The other day, I was stood up by Cypress Hill.
First the interview was on, then it was off, then it was on again, then it was delayed, then it was Eric Bobo, not B-Real, then it was off, then it was on and finally it was off.Despite pulling out my dusty copy of ‘Black Sunday’ and reliving such joys as ‘I Wanna Get High’ and ‘Insane In The Brain’, as well as listening to their new record ‘Rise Up’ (which, I must admit is actually pretty good), the interview was not to be.
So rather than be productive, I teamed up with a friend and fellow writer A.H. Cayley to decide what Cypress Hill may have been doing, instead of being interviewed by me.
We are pretty sure that this is a factually correct, well researched document on the lives of the original Latino hip hop superstars. We're happy to accept our Walkley's now, thank you.
1. They may have been too busy submitting entries to Dudes With Beards Eating Cupcakes.
2. They may have been writing letters to their mother for Mother's Day.
3. They may have been baking meringues.
4. They may have been sharing their favourite memories of Malcom McLaren. After all, Malcom's track 'Buffalo Gals' was sampled on their latest album.
5. Two words: daisy chains.
6. They may have been on a boat.
7. They may have been ardently following the UK General Election on twitter.
8. They may have been ardently following any news of Justin Bieber on twitter.
9. They may have been rating people on Hot Or Not.
10. They may have accidentally put the call through to Austria.
11. They may have been helping P. Diddy prepare for his blog.
12. They may have thought the tour bus might have needed a re-Feng Shui-ing.
13. They may have had some bad luck with a Chinese finger trap.
14. They may not have been able to bring themselves to log off Chatroulette.
15. They may have been discussing the trials and tribulations of democracy in 21st century America.
16. They may have had SO much washing to do.
17. They may have been standing next to the automatic doors at their local supermarket making swooshing sounds like the doors in Star Trek make.
18. They may have been busy trying to think of what they would say when I asked them why they didn’t call.
19. They may have been having competitions to see who could spin around on an office chair the most times without being sick.
20. They ran out of phone credit after testing their love compatibility for $4.95 per text.
So there you have it, a complete hypothetical of ways Cypress Hill may or may not spend their days.
Follow the authors Tim Cashmere and A.H. Cayley on Twitter.
